Wednesday, October 24, 2012


Today I was trying to explain to someone how I felt. Physically, I have walking pnemonia, and so the easy answer would be I feel sick. The longer answer would be my chest cavity feels like it is weighted down with fluid and my head feels congested to the point of exploding (That's a bit of an exaggeration). And although I feel better than I did, I definitely still feel sick.

But I think what they wanted me to explain was how I felt about life, and about my life in particular. And I realized, I didn't really know how to express how I felt about my life. Donald Miller used to have little illustrations in his books to explain how he felt about life, and I always remembered those so much better than written concepts. So I decided to draw out how I felt.

And this is how I feel about where I am in my life right now. I think I feel like I'm floating, I'm floating high above activity, noise, business and purpose. I'm not attached to anything really and I'm not moving in any direction I can see or feel. And the only thing that is keeping me from disappearing into outer space is a small strand of hope attached to God's faithfulness, which is located somewhere too far away to see.

I almost wish there was a big gust of intergalactic (I just used that word because it sounded cool) wind to push me toward some purpose. I don't think those exist though. I think this is just the season I am in. I've always attached myself to higher callings, like Sudan or Intervarsity, and although these are good things, I'm realizing I don't know how to function without one. I don't think that is a good thing. I keep wanting to fill my life up with jobs, friendships, apartments, etc. But these things aren't within my immediate access, which I think is a good thing. Because this enormous amount of empty space, however uncomfortable and incapable of being filled, is so good for me in that I am forced to confront the important things. Such as...

If I belong to God, and I am His, than He is my purpose. 

And if I am His than I can trust Him to guide me to other things He would have me do, but they cannot become my purpose, my raison d'etre, because He already is. 

And it doesn't really matter what those other things are because if He has called me to them than I am fulfilling my purpose. 

I hope these thoughts don't seem boring or sound like Christian cliches. I know all of this in my head, but so often the rest of me doesn't follow along with the application of what I know. And I think the more I truly understand these things, the less I will feel like I'm floating and the more attached I will feel to a much bigger and grander story.

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