Gloria

I love this time of year. The approach of winter, the anticipation of Christmas, the fresh start of the new year. It’s marvelous. But lately I have found myself becoming so very tired, overwhelmed by the to do’s on my Christmas list, worried about completing tasks, consumed with impressing those around me, all of which have completely eclipsed the joy that should be radiating through me during this season.

And today is a dreary rainy day. Call me melancholy, but there’s something about these types of days that are good for my soul. I love hearing the rain pound into the hard ground, feeling the cool mist on my skin and looking at the stark nakedness of the trees. I don’t quite know what it is about those trees, but I am fascinated by the way the branches twist and bend and spread out into tiny twigs that sharpen against the background of a light grey sky. It’s beauty, raw and harsh, glorious in its barest and most vulnerable presentation.

And in the midst of my tree ponderings, my mind is interrupted by a scene involving two young people and a baby in a stable. The roughness of the straw, the dank smell of animals and blood, the cries of a woman in labor. How raw and harsh was the reality of this baby’s birth. How vulnerable and bare they must have felt! And yet, and yet how glorious, how loud the whisper of his coming, how overwhelming beautiful was his arrival. That the God of sunsets and stars, trees and mountains, the God of joys and sorrows and kings and presidents and everything, this, yes this Almighty being has come to earth in His most vulnerable and tangible form to save us.

to SAVE us.

to save US.

Oh how glorious! Emmanuel! God is with us again. And there were shepherds watching their flock by night and behold an angel of the LORD came upon them, and the glory of Yahweh shone about them, and they were afraid. And the angel said, “Fear not, for I bring you good tidings of great joy that shall be for ALL people. For unto you is born this day a Savior, your Messiah, and He is Christ the Lord.

Gloria, gloria in excelsis deo!

It’s no wonder Mary pondered all these things, treasuring and storing them away in her heart. Who can understand, who can fully appreciate the glory and mystery of Jesus Christ, who came as a baby to save us from our sins.

May we not be too busy this season. May we sit and ponder these mysteries and treasure them, holding them ever close to our hearts. 

MUSIC

I'm sitting here listening to Pachelbel Canon and other various classical wonders, and I am overwhelmed by how stirringly beautiful the music is. Why is there such a strong emotional bond between music and our hearts? To me, it is one of the greatest masterpieces and gifts of God's imagination. Harmonies can make me cry. The violin and piano together - I could listen forever. That He would give us music, what a joy! Great music just makes you want to be a better person, it reminds us there's more to life than the superficial and calls us to something greater than ourselves. Why is that?

Here's music that has been inspiring me lately. What kind of music stirs you? I'd love your thoughts.

face-tweet-insta-pin

I am relatively content with my life until I get on facebook, or pinterest or twitter or whatever hateful God-forsaken website Satan created to force people to constantly compete and compare aspects of their lives with each other.

So today, I was content to sing at church, talk to a friend on the phone, go for a run, bake cookies, and watch Once Upon A Time. That's a good day for me. Anyway I decided to take a picture of the cookies and put in on Instagram because that's what kids do these days when they bake something awesome (which, by the way, were awesome, oatmeal-chocolate chip-craisin-deliciousness). And I just got consumed with everyone else's pictures and lives and it made me wonder if Moses or any of those people stranded in the desert really understood what it meant when God said THOU SHALT NOT COVET, cause I can't even touch a computer without wanting something someone else has or feeling insecure about what I don't have.

I mean the Israelites lived in the desert, what did they covet, their neighbor's plot of sand?

And it's not just stuff for me. It's people's lives really. Did God say do not covet your neighbor's life? Wasn't it your neighbor's donkey? (That's a fun one to read in the King James) I see picture after picture on Face-tweet-insta-pin of adventure and friendship and success and people getting degrees or married or traveling around the world and honestly, it made my cookies taste less fantastic than they really were.

I've attached worth to things people do, the things I do, and I rank myself as less successful, less worthy, less interesting because I don't have _____ .

It's ridiculous because I've been given so much. But I find myself wondering if my life is enough and if I'm living up to my own expectations - which is even more ridiculous because they're absolutely unattainable. And all this posting-tweeting-pinning-dreaming-coveting-lusting only fuels this idea in my head that life is supposed to be perpetually

happy. fun. exciting. sexy. interesting. adventurous. entertaining. rewarding. successful. PERFECT.

But the reality of it all is that life is hard and full of struggle. And Jesus said the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life. Somewhere along the way I missed this, and came to believe that this life and it's experiences are supposed to be happy and rewarding all the time, and if it's not I need ____ in order to make it so. It's like being in a race and somehow getting turned around - discovering I was striving toward perfection and not running toward the gospel.

How silly of me.

Here's what I'm NOT saying. I'm not saying that life is supposed to be miserable and people shouldn't enjoy anything and shouldn't post happy statuses on facebook. But what I am trying to get across is that living life in pursuit of the gospel isn't supposed to be easy. And it's okay to be lonely or bored or sad or afraid or unfulfilled. This isn't my eternal home, this isn't where my hope lies and therefore it is absolutely okay if my life is not perfect. I can rest in the promise that he who began a good work in me will see it to completion.

That doesn't mean I sit around and do nothing, it doesn't mean that I'm not seeking to live out the gospel in my daily life. But it does mean that I can rest in the faithfulness of a God who is generous and loving enough to let a sinner be a part of his great story of redemption and reconciliation.

Well, I've written myself into a much more encouraged state of mind. I think I'll go eat another cookie.

Floaters

Today I was trying to explain to someone how I felt. Physically, I have walking pnemonia, and so the easy answer would be I feel sick. The longer answer would be my chest cavity feels like it is weighted down with fluid and my head feels congested to the point of exploding (That's a bit of an exaggeration). And although I feel better than I did, I definitely still feel sick.

But I think what they wanted me to explain was how I felt about life, and about my life in particular. And I realized, I didn't really know how to express how I felt about my life. Donald Miller used to have little illustrations in his books to explain how he felt about life, and I always remembered those so much better than written concepts. So I decided to draw out how I felt.

And this is how I feel about where I am in my life right now. I think I feel like I'm floating, I'm floating high above activity, noise, business and purpose. I'm not attached to anything really and I'm not moving in any direction I can see or feel. And the only thing that is keeping me from disappearing into outer space is a small strand of hope attached to God's faithfulness, which is located somewhere too far away to see.

I almost wish there was a big gust of intergalactic (I just used that word because it sounded cool) wind to push me toward some purpose. I don't think those exist though. I think this is just the season I am in. I've always attached myself to higher callings, like Sudan or Intervarsity, and although these are good things, I'm realizing I don't know how to function without one. I don't think that is a good thing. I keep wanting to fill my life up with jobs, friendships, apartments, etc. But these things aren't within my immediate access, which I think is a good thing. Because this enormous amount of empty space, however uncomfortable and incapable of being filled, is so good for me in that I am forced to confront the important things. Such as...

If I belong to God, and I am His, than He is my purpose. 

And if I am His than I can trust Him to guide me to other things He would have me do, but they cannot become my purpose, my raison d'etre, because He already is. 

And it doesn't really matter what those other things are because if He has called me to them than I am fulfilling my purpose. 

I hope these thoughts don't seem boring or sound like Christian cliches. I know all of this in my head, but so often the rest of me doesn't follow along with the application of what I know. And I think the more I truly understand these things, the less I will feel like I'm floating and the more attached I will feel to a much bigger and grander story.

ADELE v. T.SWIFT

Anyone who has ridden in a car with me for more than an hour knows that I am OBSESSED with Adele. Whether or not my obsession is healthy, remains to be seen, but she has such a richness of soul and passion that anyone who has every experienced any type of heartache can't help but belt out along with her.

Miss T. Swift, on the other hand, has a knack for knocking out killer break-up songs. S, SB, H and I thoroughly enjoy screaming "WE-EEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER" at least once every car ride home. So imagine if....

MIND BLOWN.

Adventures!

Today H said his name was Spiderman, and that when he grows up, he wants to be the tickle monster. I said if he was a tickle monster he couldn't be Spiderman. He chewed on it for a little bit and then decided he would be a giant. So when H grows up, he wants to be a giant Spiderman. I don't know how effective that will be for swinging from buildings or saving the world.

For bed time stories, I have started telling them the adventures of Hairy Mess and Budson. They are two terrible twins that terrorize their older sister Smooffie. Hairy Mess has no hair at all, and Budson has curly black hair down to his stinky toes. A few nights ago, Hairy Mess and Budson put a snake in Smooffie's bed while she was sleeping, and then tied twine along the staircase to make her trip down the stairs. Smooffie awoke with horrors, tripped down the stairs and was transported to the hospital. Hairy Mess and Budson thought they had killed their dear sister Smooffie, and with absolute penance they promised to eat all their vegetables and do their chores if only Smooffie would awake again. Of course, Smooffie awoke and Hairy Mess and Budson ate all their vegetables for the rest of their lives.

I'm hoping they'll get the hint. They're a lot smarter than you would think. 

On a more serious note, had a blast at the Grace High School Retreat (Forge) on Black Mountain and got to throw a bridal shower for a dear high school friend in Charlotte. It involved lots of pumpkins and apples and candles and other things people obsess over on Pinterest and for that reason I do not have any pictures for you.

Fighting to Wait

Six months ago if you had asked me where I wanted to be in a year, I wouldn't have hesitated.

"I want to be in an African country, loving on a bunch of orphans, pouring myself out to the least of these and hoping to make a difference in communities burdened with disease, poverty, and lack of accessibility to education and health care."

Whether that comes off as heroic or presumptuous, selfless or egotistical -- it doesn't really matter. I'm not there, despite opportunity. I'm in Greenville, South Carolina, nannying. And although it is lovely, and Fall is intoxicating and I am so so glad and blessed to be here, I have spent the last two months wrestling with why I am here.

My life now is very different than what I expected. I spend most days picking up dirty clothes, bathing children and trying to convince 5-year-olds to eat healthy food. I grocery hop from Whole Foods to Publix, read blogs about disciplining children and have listened to the Lion King sound track one too many times. (I know, didn't think it was possible). My life is not sexy, and by the world's standards, I'm not accomplishing much here. 

But so what if I'm not fulfilling the world's expectations? So what if the bottoms I'm wiping are white instead of black?

I have been so clearly called to wait, so unmistakably drawn to be in Greenville at Grace for this period of time. And I am not going to waste this precious time by spending it longing to be somewhere else. So below is a list of some things I am learning/grateful for. And maybe they don't exactly satisfy reason for why I am where I am -- but they do provide me with hope that perhaps this season is one of growth, preparing me for a grander purpose. 

1. I have been confronted with my sin in unimaginable ways. I honestly have never seen such depth of sin, or understood how destructive my sin is. No matter how good I can pride myself into believing I am during the week -- I am humbly floored every Sunday. It is so so good, because when I truly understand the depth of the grace I have been given, I am freed to love those around me without the constraints of judgement or pride. 

2. I am learning to be still and rest. Something about Carolina, whether it be the intense competition or excessive amount of overachievers, does not foster a quiet or restful environment. I am so used to filling every single second of my day with something, that to suddenly not have a million obligations was frustrating at first because I felt purposeless. Now I find it incredibly refreshing. I can sit for an hour and just listen and pray without feeling guilty for not doing something "productive". 

3. I am under sound teaching. Grace Church's teaching has been challenging, invigorating and life-changing. I often come home from church hungry for more information, and I'll spend hours researching and reading concepts I don't understand. I have the access and time to read, learn and seek knowledge. 

4. I am surrounded by people who are older and wiser than me. HUGE BLESSING! I am developing relationships with people who have had much more experience and provide me with not only advice, but wisdom. They call me out on my junk and expose me to fuller understanding of the gospel.

5. I'm making money. I know, it's not that exciting, but I am paying off college debt, providing for myself and saving for important things (like a car or a new computer). 

Some nights I lie awake listening to the slow pump of the air conditioning, tricking my subconscious into believing that the faded beat is the distant pounding of funeral drums in the African bush. Though my time in South Sudan was relatively short, I still don't have words to explain how a people can capture a heart so quickly. I miss the feel of the cold red soil on my feet in the mornings. There's a reason Kisses for Katie is hidden underneath blankets in the third drawer of my bed-side table. But no matter how much I want to be Katie Davis, I'm not. I'm called to be faithful and for now, that means waiting.