Fighting to Wait

Six months ago if you had asked me where I wanted to be in a year, I wouldn't have hesitated.

"I want to be in an African country, loving on a bunch of orphans, pouring myself out to the least of these and hoping to make a difference in communities burdened with disease, poverty, and lack of accessibility to education and health care."

Whether that comes off as heroic or presumptuous, selfless or egotistical -- it doesn't really matter. I'm not there, despite opportunity. I'm in Greenville, South Carolina, nannying. And although it is lovely, and Fall is intoxicating and I am so so glad and blessed to be here, I have spent the last two months wrestling with why I am here.

My life now is very different than what I expected. I spend most days picking up dirty clothes, bathing children and trying to convince 5-year-olds to eat healthy food. I grocery hop from Whole Foods to Publix, read blogs about disciplining children and have listened to the Lion King sound track one too many times. (I know, didn't think it was possible). My life is not sexy, and by the world's standards, I'm not accomplishing much here. 

But so what if I'm not fulfilling the world's expectations? So what if the bottoms I'm wiping are white instead of black?

I have been so clearly called to wait, so unmistakably drawn to be in Greenville at Grace for this period of time. And I am not going to waste this precious time by spending it longing to be somewhere else. So below is a list of some things I am learning/grateful for. And maybe they don't exactly satisfy reason for why I am where I am -- but they do provide me with hope that perhaps this season is one of growth, preparing me for a grander purpose. 

1. I have been confronted with my sin in unimaginable ways. I honestly have never seen such depth of sin, or understood how destructive my sin is. No matter how good I can pride myself into believing I am during the week -- I am humbly floored every Sunday. It is so so good, because when I truly understand the depth of the grace I have been given, I am freed to love those around me without the constraints of judgement or pride. 

2. I am learning to be still and rest. Something about Carolina, whether it be the intense competition or excessive amount of overachievers, does not foster a quiet or restful environment. I am so used to filling every single second of my day with something, that to suddenly not have a million obligations was frustrating at first because I felt purposeless. Now I find it incredibly refreshing. I can sit for an hour and just listen and pray without feeling guilty for not doing something "productive". 

3. I am under sound teaching. Grace Church's teaching has been challenging, invigorating and life-changing. I often come home from church hungry for more information, and I'll spend hours researching and reading concepts I don't understand. I have the access and time to read, learn and seek knowledge. 

4. I am surrounded by people who are older and wiser than me. HUGE BLESSING! I am developing relationships with people who have had much more experience and provide me with not only advice, but wisdom. They call me out on my junk and expose me to fuller understanding of the gospel.

5. I'm making money. I know, it's not that exciting, but I am paying off college debt, providing for myself and saving for important things (like a car or a new computer). 

Some nights I lie awake listening to the slow pump of the air conditioning, tricking my subconscious into believing that the faded beat is the distant pounding of funeral drums in the African bush. Though my time in South Sudan was relatively short, I still don't have words to explain how a people can capture a heart so quickly. I miss the feel of the cold red soil on my feet in the mornings. There's a reason Kisses for Katie is hidden underneath blankets in the third drawer of my bed-side table. But no matter how much I want to be Katie Davis, I'm not. I'm called to be faithful and for now, that means waiting. 

Mission

I no longer strive for the hollow glory of human perfection. Instead my heart has been aligned to that of the Father's, and nothing can satisfy my hunger for glory but the increasing knowledge of Him, in whose pursuit I am transformed into His likeness.

Chasing sunsets

The farm, chasing the sunset.

3-year-old Matchmakers

Being a nanny, regardless of the demands, is always entertaining. Here's a few snippets of the conversations that I have with SB and H while driving home from school.

H says, "Where are we going?"

I say, "Home!"

H pauses to think. Then he says with his adorable curiosity, "Do you have kids at home?"

Not sure whether to be pleased that H thinks I look old and mature enough to have my own kids, or be offended that he thinks I am older than I am. Being ever optimistic, I take it as a compliment and inform him that no, I do not have any kids at home.

H says, "Oh so your kids are all grown up?"

Definitely offended now. So I decide to clear his adorable 3-year-old brain of any misunderstanding.
"No no no H, I don't have a husband, so I don't have kids yet."

This comment surprises or appalls H into a shocked silence. But SB is now intrigued.

SB says, "You don't have a husband? But you have to have a boyfriend, right?"

You're killing me kid. "No SB, I don't have a boyfriend."

SB is almost offended. She replies in her "I know everything and therefore you must do what I say" tone. "But Abby, you need a boyfriend."

Before I can explain to SB that I don't NEED a boyfriend, H is shocked out of his silence.

"It's okay Abby I'll find you a boyfriend."

SB however, quickly reminds me that H can't be my boyfriend because he is too young, nor can I have any of her boyfriends because they are hers.

H then begins to list off every boy he has ever met, regardless of age or marital status. I let him keep going until he falls asleep in his car seat.

Fast forward a few days. We are at CFA eating kids meals and altogether being ridiculously silly. After profusely begging SB to eat her chicken nuggets, I turn to H who has gotten a hold of my phone and started taking pictures of everyone around us. Suddenly H sits up and points to the door.

"LOOK!"

I look at the door. I don't see anything.

"What are you pointing at H?"

He turns and points toward the counter, and shouts even louder. "LOOK!"

We all look at the counter and all I see is a couple people ordering meals.

"H what are you pointing at?"

By this point he is getting frustrated. "No look thhheeerrree!"  He shouts even louder and starts pointing repeatedly. "Look Abby I found your boyfriend!"

In horror I realize that H is pointing at a poor young man about to order his meal. He's maybe 5 yards away and has turned to stare at the 3-year-old matchmaker who is gleefully excited about his latest set-up. I am appalled.

I smile apologetically at H's target and skillfully distract H by reminding him about his brownie. Thankfully I am saved from further embarrassment by the fact that SB has thrown H's lemolade (the correct pronunciation of lemonade) in the trash - which upsets him to the point that we have to leave the restaurant immediately to avoid a melt down.

Lesson learned. It doesn't matter if they are 3 or 30, your friends will always feel the need to set you up with people. H was a bit disappointed that things didn't work out with random CFA guy, but found comfort in the fact that I promised I would ask for his approval and permission before I dated anyone. SB said she would definitely tell me if she didn't like him.

Thanks kids, glad you've got my back. Life with them is adorably chaotic.

Where in the world have I been?

My sincerest apologies on the lack of consistency in regards to blogging. I've had quite the chaotic last four months, and haven't had the chance (or decency) to update the world on what has been going on in my life. Regardless of my plans to be in Durham, Haiti or somewhere in Africa - I am not. So here goes!

Summer...

After the excitement of graduation (a bit of not enough credit drama) and the epic sorrow of leaving 7 Davie and my wonderful roommates - I headed to Greenville, South Carolina in June, for what I thought would be a temporary, easy-breasy, two-month internship at Grace Church. My plans come August were contingent on hearing back from Samaritan's Purse about a humanitarian internship in Haiti.
My internship at Grace was like boot-camp for my soul. Through classes, conversations and yes, confrontations, I was daily affronted with my pride, sin and desperate need for Jesus and community. But I had never been exposed to such intentional honesty or passion for life-change. It was incredibly attractive.
As the summer progressed, I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable about leaving this community to head off on my own. Although choosing to stay in Greenville would be a much harder and scarier experience for me than the excitement and adventure of Haiti, I began to realize that for the sake of spiritual growth and maturity - Greenville was the best option. Plus I was overwhelmed by a sense that I just needed to stay.
So I did.

And Currently...

I am nannying for a wonderful family who lives close to the mountains on a horse farm. It is gorgeous, and the children are full of hugs and kisses and funny sayings. I still live with my incredibly generous host family, which has been an enormous blessing. I am singing at the church, helping out with a high school girls small group and desperately trying to get a firm grasp on what it means to live in middle-class southern America. I get lonely sometimes and miss my college friends fiercely, but I know I am here for a reason. Life outside of college is like trying to learn how to sip slowly on a cup of tea when you're used to drinking from a fire hydrant. They probably have the same hydration value, it's just different, and some days I find myself restless. But God is very good and I promise more updates.

Worms4Worms...

This is VERY EXCITING news. When Billy went to Wadupe in June, he collaborated with the development committee to get the project rolling. The medicine was easy to access (and afford, thanks to all your generosity!) and the process was much less difficult than expected. The committee took charge and distributed the medicine to the children of Wadupe in a few short weeks. Photos are below, but I cannot tell you how happy it makes my heart to know that life has been made a little bit easier for children half-way around the world, by the grace of God. Praise the Lord that we've been blessed with the incredibly opportunity to take part in His restoration plan for this community.
We hope to continue this process, as the de-worming treatment will need to be done every six months or so. WhytheWoods is currently going through some transformations, but we have plenty of funding for the program thanks to your generosity!